Khalisa. That's the second part of my name. It's rarely used, which is a shame because it's a rather pleasant sounding name. Don't you think so? I really like it whenever someone calls me by my entire first name D------ Khalisa. Someone told me that it rolls nicely off the tongue. It also has a nice meaning - purity, honesty - don't you think that's wonderful? Such an innocence has to go with it, I guess.
I sort of wanted to name my daughter Khalisa because for such a pleasant name, I rarely got to use it. But then it would seem vain of me to name my daughter after myself. Honestly, I don't want her named after me, but I would like the name Khalisa to be used. I have not personally met another person with the name Khalisa. Nor do I know of a Khalisa in my network of family, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances and acquaintances of acquaintances. So many D----- but not a Khalisa.
I wonder how it might have been like if I had people use the name Khalisa to commonly address me instead of D------. Should I try?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Out of Control - envy?
Lately I've been having mood swings. I've been thinking about certain events about my life and it leaves me upset with a sense of regret. The thing that upsets me the most is the lack of control over my life that causes me to feel regret over the past. It brings up thoughts of "what ifs" if I had been able to exert more control over my life.
Some of these things I can't control no matter what but I wish I could have such as my citizenship/residence status. I've lived so long in the United States that I may as well be considered as an American but the fact is that I'm not a US citizen or PR looms in the back of my brain constantly. It puts more pressure on finding a job and also the helpless feeling of being "in the cracks." I don't really want to go to Malaysia permanently because I have no life there. My entire life has been in the US essentially. Going to Malaysia would be like going to a strange land filled with strange customs and cultures. And I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that officially "on paper" I'm a Malaysian citizen and only a Malaysian citizen yet I am not "Malaysian" at all.
Sometimes I feel like I have to settle for things. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have the best but I wish I didn't feel like I have to settle for lesser things. Such as my research/thesis. I wish I hadn't let my adviser persuade me into doing this research and wish that I had been more firm in my choices of interest. I wish I had taken that trip to Canada. I wish I had gone to those gatherings and parties even though it started late at night and I would surely have a migraine from sleeping too late.
I wish I had more control over the bigger events in my life. I love my wedding and all but I wished I could have more control. I wished that my henna would have been much nicer and had the intricate designs that most Pakistanis have. I wished that the venue could have taken at a hall after the masjid rather than my house. I wished that I could have an outdoor photoshoot. I wished I could have picked out the cake. I wished that I had a nice flower bouquet. And I wished I could have control over my dress. Yes, the one thing that everyone expects for a bride to have control over, I did not. I did not even see the dress until 2 days before the wedding day. I love the dress and all but face it, it was very simple and plain. I may wear "plain-looking" clothes most of the time during the day, but on a day so important in my life, the one day that will only happen once, the one day that is focused on me and the love of my life; I didn't want to look simple and plain. I wanted something a lot more elaborate with more glitz and glam and luxurious than what I got.
When Umar suggested for the summer reception in Malaysia that we do more of the planning, I was excited to think that I could get a wedding dress tailored more to how I wanted it. Then I got pregnant and it's all indefinately postponed, and too much time has passed since we married. I feel that it will never happen. I will never get the more elaborate reception that I dream of or the photoshoot where I can look like a princess. I suppose these feelings are coming up because so many people of my age - friends and classmates - are getting married too. And I think I feel envious because they are able to plan each part of their wedding and get most of what they wish for it. Their weddings look so beautiful while I feel mine is starting to pale in comparison. I love the wedding I had, but it's not the one that I've dreamed of.
It was my wedding in which I felt most out of control. I wish I had made more decisions and became more concrete in what I wanted it to be like. But I felt like I had to release it because I did not want to burden anyone. So what anyone else wanted, they got.
On a more positive note, the only thing that does not feel out of control for me is motherhood after Ruqaiya was born. It is the least stressful thing I'm experiencing. It is because it feels more natural for me. I allow it to go with the flow and I feel no regrets in whatever has happened. I only hope I can teach my daughter on how to have more control in what happens in her life than what I've had.
Some of these things I can't control no matter what but I wish I could have such as my citizenship/residence status. I've lived so long in the United States that I may as well be considered as an American but the fact is that I'm not a US citizen or PR looms in the back of my brain constantly. It puts more pressure on finding a job and also the helpless feeling of being "in the cracks." I don't really want to go to Malaysia permanently because I have no life there. My entire life has been in the US essentially. Going to Malaysia would be like going to a strange land filled with strange customs and cultures. And I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that officially "on paper" I'm a Malaysian citizen and only a Malaysian citizen yet I am not "Malaysian" at all.
Sometimes I feel like I have to settle for things. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have the best but I wish I didn't feel like I have to settle for lesser things. Such as my research/thesis. I wish I hadn't let my adviser persuade me into doing this research and wish that I had been more firm in my choices of interest. I wish I had taken that trip to Canada. I wish I had gone to those gatherings and parties even though it started late at night and I would surely have a migraine from sleeping too late.
I wish I had more control over the bigger events in my life. I love my wedding and all but I wished I could have more control. I wished that my henna would have been much nicer and had the intricate designs that most Pakistanis have. I wished that the venue could have taken at a hall after the masjid rather than my house. I wished that I could have an outdoor photoshoot. I wished I could have picked out the cake. I wished that I had a nice flower bouquet. And I wished I could have control over my dress. Yes, the one thing that everyone expects for a bride to have control over, I did not. I did not even see the dress until 2 days before the wedding day. I love the dress and all but face it, it was very simple and plain. I may wear "plain-looking" clothes most of the time during the day, but on a day so important in my life, the one day that will only happen once, the one day that is focused on me and the love of my life; I didn't want to look simple and plain. I wanted something a lot more elaborate with more glitz and glam and luxurious than what I got.
When Umar suggested for the summer reception in Malaysia that we do more of the planning, I was excited to think that I could get a wedding dress tailored more to how I wanted it. Then I got pregnant and it's all indefinately postponed, and too much time has passed since we married. I feel that it will never happen. I will never get the more elaborate reception that I dream of or the photoshoot where I can look like a princess. I suppose these feelings are coming up because so many people of my age - friends and classmates - are getting married too. And I think I feel envious because they are able to plan each part of their wedding and get most of what they wish for it. Their weddings look so beautiful while I feel mine is starting to pale in comparison. I love the wedding I had, but it's not the one that I've dreamed of.
It was my wedding in which I felt most out of control. I wish I had made more decisions and became more concrete in what I wanted it to be like. But I felt like I had to release it because I did not want to burden anyone. So what anyone else wanted, they got.
On a more positive note, the only thing that does not feel out of control for me is motherhood after Ruqaiya was born. It is the least stressful thing I'm experiencing. It is because it feels more natural for me. I allow it to go with the flow and I feel no regrets in whatever has happened. I only hope I can teach my daughter on how to have more control in what happens in her life than what I've had.
Monday, February 7, 2011
About Being Angry
Have you ever wondered how you get angry? Not as in what event ticked you off but the process you go through before reaching your critical overload.
I got to thinking about it after Umar and I had one of our debates on how to boil water. Yes, about how to boil water...using a microwave compared to a stove. It got me thinking because a lot of times the terms "boiling point" or "stemmed" or "simmer" often describes anger.
Also, Umar and I get angry in different ways. It's a real plus because that way we don't angry at the same time so there's really not a lot of fighting. Yes, some hurt feelings but we usually manage to cool down and talk through it.
Umar's anger is like when you microwave water. It takes a very short time before it boils, initially scalding when you take it out, but it cools down very very quickly. Umar when he gets angry can be very quick and usually verbal but he tends to calm down and become sorry about it relatively quickly.
My anger on the other hand is like when you boil water on the stove. Don't you find it annoying if you want to cook something with water and it seems like it takes forever to start boiling? Yeah, so for me to get angry it takes a long time usually. Umar does says that I have a lot more patience than him. Not only it takes me a long time but only if the heat source (events or things that tick me off) are constant or coming one after another that eventually I'll reach my boiling point.
However, when I do reach it watch out! I tend to be kinda violent and physical when expressing my anger. No, I don't hit people (though I used when I was a child), but most of the time I'll throw things around or punch furniture or cry really hard. Sometimes I'll enter a state of depression after blowing up. I don't usually yell though. And when I'm trying to calm down, I'll usually simmer in anger for a day or two before becoming completely cooled. I do get angry more easily when I'm in cooling down phase. Kind of how it takes a while for boiled water to cool when still on the stove and add some more heat it'll boil more quickly.
Some people wonder how come it doesn't seem like I don't get angry normally and then some will say I'm fake or pulling an act. Well I'm not. I just have more patience so it takes me a while to get really angry. The older I get, the more patience I've learned to have and build up. Being a mother also makes that patience really important.
In addition, unlike a lot of people that will rant and complain whenever they get ticked off, I tend to keep quiet and simmer. Once in a while I'll rant in order to let off some stem before I go into "critical mode." I also tend to express my anger whenever there's no one else around. After all, you usually hurt people the most when you're in a state of anger. So even though people hurt me, I'll still try not to hurt people.
I think knowing how you get angry and knowing how you express it is important. While we shouldn't get angry all the time, we're bound to be angry sometimes. It's what makes us humans. We just have to be careful about it, be considerate of the people we love and learn to forgive afterwards.
I got to thinking about it after Umar and I had one of our debates on how to boil water. Yes, about how to boil water...using a microwave compared to a stove. It got me thinking because a lot of times the terms "boiling point" or "stemmed" or "simmer" often describes anger.
Also, Umar and I get angry in different ways. It's a real plus because that way we don't angry at the same time so there's really not a lot of fighting. Yes, some hurt feelings but we usually manage to cool down and talk through it.
Umar's anger is like when you microwave water. It takes a very short time before it boils, initially scalding when you take it out, but it cools down very very quickly. Umar when he gets angry can be very quick and usually verbal but he tends to calm down and become sorry about it relatively quickly.
My anger on the other hand is like when you boil water on the stove. Don't you find it annoying if you want to cook something with water and it seems like it takes forever to start boiling? Yeah, so for me to get angry it takes a long time usually. Umar does says that I have a lot more patience than him. Not only it takes me a long time but only if the heat source (events or things that tick me off) are constant or coming one after another that eventually I'll reach my boiling point.
However, when I do reach it watch out! I tend to be kinda violent and physical when expressing my anger. No, I don't hit people (though I used when I was a child), but most of the time I'll throw things around or punch furniture or cry really hard. Sometimes I'll enter a state of depression after blowing up. I don't usually yell though. And when I'm trying to calm down, I'll usually simmer in anger for a day or two before becoming completely cooled. I do get angry more easily when I'm in cooling down phase. Kind of how it takes a while for boiled water to cool when still on the stove and add some more heat it'll boil more quickly.
Some people wonder how come it doesn't seem like I don't get angry normally and then some will say I'm fake or pulling an act. Well I'm not. I just have more patience so it takes me a while to get really angry. The older I get, the more patience I've learned to have and build up. Being a mother also makes that patience really important.
In addition, unlike a lot of people that will rant and complain whenever they get ticked off, I tend to keep quiet and simmer. Once in a while I'll rant in order to let off some stem before I go into "critical mode." I also tend to express my anger whenever there's no one else around. After all, you usually hurt people the most when you're in a state of anger. So even though people hurt me, I'll still try not to hurt people.
I think knowing how you get angry and knowing how you express it is important. While we shouldn't get angry all the time, we're bound to be angry sometimes. It's what makes us humans. We just have to be careful about it, be considerate of the people we love and learn to forgive afterwards.
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