For the past few days/weeks, I've been thinking of purchasing a cheongsam. Recently I've noticed that sometimes my Chinese features will appear very prominent. Even Umar has mentioned that he would like to see me in a Chinese outfit at times because of my features. So now I'm trying to find where I can purchase a cheongsam or cheongsam-inspired dress to see how I would look like if I went all out decked in a Chinese outfit.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
iPhone blogging
I've decided to try to use this iPhone app for blogging now since I do want to update this blog with my thoughtsrantsideasblurbs but I can't always use my laptop. Face it, the last time I was on my laptop was over a week ago.
This app I'm using is okay but very basic (but free). I can only type so no pictures or links. However it doesn't even have text editing so no italics or bold. Boo hoo :(
Oh well
At least I have an outlet.
I found a new app for blogging that is 10x better! Not only it does basic text editing
italics bolds and underlines, I can also edit my posts and add pictures! Yay! You can also put in codes and there is also a preview and save draft options in this app. Heh. It's just like going on the website ( which is a pain to go to on and with some problems on the iPhone) except for the fact that you can't actually view the blog itself or comments, only your posts. But that's good enough...
Not to mention this app is also super user friendly and free. :D It's called blogbooster. There a full paid version but also a free one (which I'm using of course) for anyone else interested.
Oh well
At least I have an outlet.
I found a new app for blogging that is 10x better! Not only it does basic text editing
italics bolds and underlines, I can also edit my posts and add pictures! Yay! You can also put in codes and there is also a preview and save draft options in this app. Heh. It's just like going on the website ( which is a pain to go to on and with some problems on the iPhone) except for the fact that you can't actually view the blog itself or comments, only your posts. But that's good enough...
Not to mention this app is also super user friendly and free. :D It's called blogbooster. There a full paid version but also a free one (which I'm using of course) for anyone else interested.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Teach For Malaysia
I got this email from the recruitment director for Teach For Malaysia to apply for a 2-year fellowship program. I was pretty surprised to receive it since I wasn't aware the Education Malaysian Department of the Malaysian Embassy had me on record, or that they had records of my education at RIT. After all, it's not like I have to report to a sponsor like JPA and send my grades to anyone but my family. I don't know if I want to apply for the 2-year leadership development program.
It is pretty ironic since they're asking for teachers in Malaysia and I have NEVER experienced the Malaysian school system. It would be completely alien to me. I know the role of teachers in the US but I have no idea how the role of teachers is like in Malaysia. Not to mention, I can't speak BM 100% fluently without silly mistakes. It would be hard for me to communicate to students. Teaching is scary enough when everyone can understand the same language! Imagine me teaching in BM and the students not understanding and laughing at me!!! :(
All I can say is that I'm flattered to receive the opportunity. Too bad I don't think I can go for it.
Maybe if I'm desperate for a job.
It is pretty ironic since they're asking for teachers in Malaysia and I have NEVER experienced the Malaysian school system. It would be completely alien to me. I know the role of teachers in the US but I have no idea how the role of teachers is like in Malaysia. Not to mention, I can't speak BM 100% fluently without silly mistakes. It would be hard for me to communicate to students. Teaching is scary enough when everyone can understand the same language! Imagine me teaching in BM and the students not understanding and laughing at me!!! :(
All I can say is that I'm flattered to receive the opportunity. Too bad I don't think I can go for it.
Maybe if I'm desperate for a job.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Flu Shot Crankiness
Waaaaaaah! Ruqaiya is so fussy lately, ever since she got the flu shot. I feel bad for her. She's not sleeping as soundly as before, not eating her baby food as much, and is having a hard time taking naps. Plus she doesn't seem comfortable lately. I hope this is because of the flu shot and will pass soon.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Khalisa
Khalisa. That's the second part of my name. It's rarely used, which is a shame because it's a rather pleasant sounding name. Don't you think so? I really like it whenever someone calls me by my entire first name D------ Khalisa. Someone told me that it rolls nicely off the tongue. It also has a nice meaning - purity, honesty - don't you think that's wonderful? Such an innocence has to go with it, I guess.
I sort of wanted to name my daughter Khalisa because for such a pleasant name, I rarely got to use it. But then it would seem vain of me to name my daughter after myself. Honestly, I don't want her named after me, but I would like the name Khalisa to be used. I have not personally met another person with the name Khalisa. Nor do I know of a Khalisa in my network of family, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances and acquaintances of acquaintances. So many D----- but not a Khalisa.
I wonder how it might have been like if I had people use the name Khalisa to commonly address me instead of D------. Should I try?
I sort of wanted to name my daughter Khalisa because for such a pleasant name, I rarely got to use it. But then it would seem vain of me to name my daughter after myself. Honestly, I don't want her named after me, but I would like the name Khalisa to be used. I have not personally met another person with the name Khalisa. Nor do I know of a Khalisa in my network of family, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances and acquaintances of acquaintances. So many D----- but not a Khalisa.
I wonder how it might have been like if I had people use the name Khalisa to commonly address me instead of D------. Should I try?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Out of Control - envy?
Lately I've been having mood swings. I've been thinking about certain events about my life and it leaves me upset with a sense of regret. The thing that upsets me the most is the lack of control over my life that causes me to feel regret over the past. It brings up thoughts of "what ifs" if I had been able to exert more control over my life.
Some of these things I can't control no matter what but I wish I could have such as my citizenship/residence status. I've lived so long in the United States that I may as well be considered as an American but the fact is that I'm not a US citizen or PR looms in the back of my brain constantly. It puts more pressure on finding a job and also the helpless feeling of being "in the cracks." I don't really want to go to Malaysia permanently because I have no life there. My entire life has been in the US essentially. Going to Malaysia would be like going to a strange land filled with strange customs and cultures. And I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that officially "on paper" I'm a Malaysian citizen and only a Malaysian citizen yet I am not "Malaysian" at all.
Sometimes I feel like I have to settle for things. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have the best but I wish I didn't feel like I have to settle for lesser things. Such as my research/thesis. I wish I hadn't let my adviser persuade me into doing this research and wish that I had been more firm in my choices of interest. I wish I had taken that trip to Canada. I wish I had gone to those gatherings and parties even though it started late at night and I would surely have a migraine from sleeping too late.
I wish I had more control over the bigger events in my life. I love my wedding and all but I wished I could have more control. I wished that my henna would have been much nicer and had the intricate designs that most Pakistanis have. I wished that the venue could have taken at a hall after the masjid rather than my house. I wished that I could have an outdoor photoshoot. I wished I could have picked out the cake. I wished that I had a nice flower bouquet. And I wished I could have control over my dress. Yes, the one thing that everyone expects for a bride to have control over, I did not. I did not even see the dress until 2 days before the wedding day. I love the dress and all but face it, it was very simple and plain. I may wear "plain-looking" clothes most of the time during the day, but on a day so important in my life, the one day that will only happen once, the one day that is focused on me and the love of my life; I didn't want to look simple and plain. I wanted something a lot more elaborate with more glitz and glam and luxurious than what I got.
When Umar suggested for the summer reception in Malaysia that we do more of the planning, I was excited to think that I could get a wedding dress tailored more to how I wanted it. Then I got pregnant and it's all indefinately postponed, and too much time has passed since we married. I feel that it will never happen. I will never get the more elaborate reception that I dream of or the photoshoot where I can look like a princess. I suppose these feelings are coming up because so many people of my age - friends and classmates - are getting married too. And I think I feel envious because they are able to plan each part of their wedding and get most of what they wish for it. Their weddings look so beautiful while I feel mine is starting to pale in comparison. I love the wedding I had, but it's not the one that I've dreamed of.
It was my wedding in which I felt most out of control. I wish I had made more decisions and became more concrete in what I wanted it to be like. But I felt like I had to release it because I did not want to burden anyone. So what anyone else wanted, they got.
On a more positive note, the only thing that does not feel out of control for me is motherhood after Ruqaiya was born. It is the least stressful thing I'm experiencing. It is because it feels more natural for me. I allow it to go with the flow and I feel no regrets in whatever has happened. I only hope I can teach my daughter on how to have more control in what happens in her life than what I've had.
Some of these things I can't control no matter what but I wish I could have such as my citizenship/residence status. I've lived so long in the United States that I may as well be considered as an American but the fact is that I'm not a US citizen or PR looms in the back of my brain constantly. It puts more pressure on finding a job and also the helpless feeling of being "in the cracks." I don't really want to go to Malaysia permanently because I have no life there. My entire life has been in the US essentially. Going to Malaysia would be like going to a strange land filled with strange customs and cultures. And I feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that officially "on paper" I'm a Malaysian citizen and only a Malaysian citizen yet I am not "Malaysian" at all.
Sometimes I feel like I have to settle for things. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have the best but I wish I didn't feel like I have to settle for lesser things. Such as my research/thesis. I wish I hadn't let my adviser persuade me into doing this research and wish that I had been more firm in my choices of interest. I wish I had taken that trip to Canada. I wish I had gone to those gatherings and parties even though it started late at night and I would surely have a migraine from sleeping too late.
I wish I had more control over the bigger events in my life. I love my wedding and all but I wished I could have more control. I wished that my henna would have been much nicer and had the intricate designs that most Pakistanis have. I wished that the venue could have taken at a hall after the masjid rather than my house. I wished that I could have an outdoor photoshoot. I wished I could have picked out the cake. I wished that I had a nice flower bouquet. And I wished I could have control over my dress. Yes, the one thing that everyone expects for a bride to have control over, I did not. I did not even see the dress until 2 days before the wedding day. I love the dress and all but face it, it was very simple and plain. I may wear "plain-looking" clothes most of the time during the day, but on a day so important in my life, the one day that will only happen once, the one day that is focused on me and the love of my life; I didn't want to look simple and plain. I wanted something a lot more elaborate with more glitz and glam and luxurious than what I got.
When Umar suggested for the summer reception in Malaysia that we do more of the planning, I was excited to think that I could get a wedding dress tailored more to how I wanted it. Then I got pregnant and it's all indefinately postponed, and too much time has passed since we married. I feel that it will never happen. I will never get the more elaborate reception that I dream of or the photoshoot where I can look like a princess. I suppose these feelings are coming up because so many people of my age - friends and classmates - are getting married too. And I think I feel envious because they are able to plan each part of their wedding and get most of what they wish for it. Their weddings look so beautiful while I feel mine is starting to pale in comparison. I love the wedding I had, but it's not the one that I've dreamed of.
It was my wedding in which I felt most out of control. I wish I had made more decisions and became more concrete in what I wanted it to be like. But I felt like I had to release it because I did not want to burden anyone. So what anyone else wanted, they got.
On a more positive note, the only thing that does not feel out of control for me is motherhood after Ruqaiya was born. It is the least stressful thing I'm experiencing. It is because it feels more natural for me. I allow it to go with the flow and I feel no regrets in whatever has happened. I only hope I can teach my daughter on how to have more control in what happens in her life than what I've had.
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